Pour Your Heart Out

I had mentioned recently how I wanted to open up more on my blog, show the "real" me and be more raw about what I've been through in my life in hopes of being a source of encouragement for others. Unfortunately I let my oversensitivity get the best of me, opened up a little once (well, that's more then a little, I suppose ;) but I left everyone hanging) and haven't gone back to my "open and honest" format until today (and please don't misunderstand, I am ALWAYS honest and truthful about everything I post on here, but I haven't been "open" lately. But that's all about to change as I link up to a Pour Your Heart Out post over at Things I Can't Say. This might be lengthy, but feel free to sit back, relax, and read :)

I ended this post with my husband leaving for rehab in April of 2009 (clearly one of the hardest days of my life). How could I be SO dumb? How did I not know? And to be honest, I don't think I'll ever know the answer to those questions, but I don't dwell on it anymore. I didn't know what he was a drug addict (prescription and street), and that's all I can say! Manny was in rehab for two weeks (clearly not long enough, but we couldn't afford for him to be off work any longer). Manuel thought he was away for work and when we went to visit him (Easter Sunday) he thought the place we were visiting was where he was staying for work. Keep in mind, he was only 3 at the time, so he didn't know better (my goodness, if this happened now, he would NEVER buy it! He's SO smart) But we were separated for two weeks, Manny came home and all seemed well. He was offered his job back and of course took it. Life seemed to be going smoothly until Manny relapsed. May 11, 2009. My world was shattered! How could this be happening!??!??!?! What was I going to do???? My mom was going to be heart broken. She would be beside herself if I forgave him again and decided to stay AGAIN. WHAT WAS I GOING TO DO!?!??! Here we go again...

May 12, 2009 Manny entered rehab again. This time at a hospital (to also deal with his emotional/anxiety/mental issues brought upon him by a pretty horrific childhood!) He was gone again, but this time, I was oddly okay with it. Would he get better? I had no clue, but I knew that for two weeks I did everything on my own (the first time he went away) and I COULD DO IT! This was huge for me (I am VERY much a dependent person. I always have been. My mom made my doctors appointments for me until I was 20 (well not really, but you get my point! :)) So he left, and I cried, but I was okay. I told him that HE would be the one telling everyone where he was this time. It was not up to me to pick up the pieces and tell his grandmother (who was BEYOND devastated), my mom (who was also BEYOND devastated), etc. He needed to take full responsibility for his actions and that was that. If he got better this time...good. If he didn't...good. I was okay on my own, and I would do EVERYTHING in my power to raise Manuel to be an amazing person whether Manny was part of it or not.

May 15, 2009...Manny was gone at rehab. My best friend since I was 8 was visiting (she thought Manny was on a fishing trip...only my family knew). We were hanging out, our boys were playing. My cell phone rings and it's my Aunt Kathy (my dad's sister) and I knew it couldn't be good...my dad was gone. At the age of 59 he had died of a stroke (years of drugs and alcohol of abuse will do that to you). My dad was dead, my husband was in rehab, and my best friend was standing in front of me while I lost it! "Call Manny! He has to come home from his fishing trip! You just lost your dad." Veronica said over and over again. I couldn't muster any words. Do I keep lying? Do I tell her the truth? What to do? Finally I said it, "I can't! Manny isn't on a fishing trip, he's in rehab." Of course she stood there in shock! I don't remember exactly what happened next. I know my mom, aunt and uncle came over to comfort me (and of course Veronica stayed). Manny happened to call and I had to break the news to him. Of course he was guilt ridden that he couldn't be there for me. But he was where he needed to be. Life would have to go on. My dad was gone, but honestly, I felt peace about it. Manuel was going to miss PopPop (even though he was only 3, he and my dad were very close) but I had to be strong. I had to keep it together. And I did....

May 23, 2009...the day after my dad's memorial service I wasn't feeling well, so I took a pregnancy test. You guessed it, it was positive. My husband was a (recovering) drug addict, my dad had just died, and I'm pregnant and bringing a child into this mess (before I found out about Manny and his drug addiction, in my blissful ignorance, we had been trying to have another baby).

I had to try and make this work. IF Manny could stay sober, I owed it to my children, to God, to my husband, to myself to try and make our family work. (I understand that might be SO hard for you some of you to understand. Trust me, looking back, I don't know how I did it, but I am SO glad that I did. God knew what he was doing! :))

Almost two years have passed since Manny got sober. Too many memories and details to put in this post or it would take you DAYS to read it (if you are even still reading! :)) All I can say is that God entered our lives fully and completely, and that probably helps you fill in that two year span! :)) But I am beyond happy to say, that we are still HAPPILY married, Manuel and Mia are healthy and happy, Manny is 100% sober, and life is good. We will be celebrating our 5 year wedding anniversay on March 30, 2011 and I can honestly say I love him more today than I EVER have! But what makes me most happy about this entire situation, and the "silver lining" (if you will) is that I know that the cycle of addiction has ended (or at least that is the prayer from the depths of my soul). You see, my dad was an alcoholic and drug addict, so was my grandfather. Manny's dad was an alcoholic and drug addict, so was his grandfather (well not so much drugs, but drinking). Manny dealt with addiction. I went through a REALLY bad phase of drinking a lot and doing a lot of drugs (not to the point of addiction but I was doing them A LOT). I DO NOT WANT THAT FOR MY CHILDREN, EVER! And I honestly think, that the cycle of addiction is OVER! My children will grow up in a household where they go to church, love God, Mommy and Daddy are sober and healthy, etc. And I know anything can happen, BUT, I pray that the cycle of addiction is over!

Thank you God!

Thank you for reading (if you still are! :))

Purex Crystals Giveaway Winners

Good Morning! :)

If you entered my Purex Crystals Giveaway you've WON! :) That means Jackie, Ashley and Heather you will each be receiving a coupon for a free 28 oz bottle of Purex! :) I'll be e-mailing you shortly for your addresses so I can mail the coupon ASAP! Trust me, you'll love it! :)

Have a great day everyone! :)

Hello friends! :)

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend! The weather in my neck of the woods was beautiful (and by beautiful I mean mid-50's but I'll take it! :)) We did some Spring cleaning on Saturday, pulled out the spring/summer clothes for the kiddos, organized the closets, put the "wintery" porch decorations away and got out the Spring ones, and now, well now we just wait for it to feel like Spring! :)

We received several bags of hand me down clothes for Mia (18 months-4T) from a co-worker of Manny's, which was SO nice, and it was very exciting to pull out the 18 month Spring line! ;) (I am not one of those people who is too good for hand me downs, EVER! :)) There are some dresses in the mix that have a vintage feel (and definitely remind me of something my mom would have put me in when I was young)! I can't wait for Mia to wear them. I'm thinking about one of them possibly being her Easter dress, but I haven't decided yet. Either way, she will look like a doll, I'm sure! :)

Manuel is LOVING the nicer weather and being able to get outside and ride his bike. Once it gets a tad warmer we are going to work with him on taking the training wheels off his bike (that Santa brought). He's excited. I'm a nervous wreck just thinking about it. But that's nothing unusual! ;) We have this official Kindergarten registration next Friday (March 25th). I can't believe it! My baby! :( He is VERY excited to be attending summer camp (at his preschool) this year! It's only an extra $10/week but considering how much they do, it's REALLY worth it! And I figure that it will give him one final summer hurrah before he starts his 13+ years of schooling! :)

Hubby is continuning to work his butt off for our family! I couldn't be more thankful! It's nice to be fully confident in your job, be awesome at what you do, and be recognized for the level of your work. A lot has changed for hubby recently (in regards to how people treat him at work) and his hardwork and amazing work ethic is finally being noticed by the "higher-ups" YAY!!!! :)

My job seems to be "stable" for now...I work in the mortgage industry so really, "stable" is a very loose term to not really mean much of anything. For today, I still have my job (Thank God!) and hopefully it will remain that way, however, I can say with certainty that if we have another slow month one of us (my co-worker or I) will be gone. Even though I have been here longer, she doesn't have a family or a husband so her schedule is pretty much open and flexible, so I THINK I'd be let go before her, but I guess only God knows that! :) So for now, I'm grateful to still be employed and contributing to the well being of my family! :) (financially speaking). I'm spending the night away from Mia for the very first time this coming Saturday (eekkkk!) I know I deserve it, and it's okay for Mommy's to get away, but I do feel bad and am definitely going to miss her (and Manuel too, of course! :)) but it's just one night, less then 15 hours away from them, so I'll manage! Every year my friend Lauren hosts a "Girls Night In" at her house, with a theme and the whole nine yards. This year the theme is Post St. Patty's Day. We are going to have a great time! :) I can't wait!

I hope you all are doing well. Don't forget to enter my Purex giveaway here. I'm choosing five winners and only 3 people have entered so you have some pretty good odds in your favor! :)

And for good measure (pics from this weekend-ish)...

Manuel cheesin' it up :)

Mia wearing her new Spring coat (that she got for her b-day)

Hubby and I self-pic :)



Friday Winner

Before I start this post and announce the winner...PLEASE pray for all the people in Japan and around the world for that matter who have been affected/will be affected by the earthquake and tsunamis. To think that they woke up this morning assuming today would be a normal, happy day for them and for many, their worlds have been turned upside down. Can you even imagine? I know I can't. Lives have been lost and presumably many more that we don't yet know about. So PLEASE pray for everyone!
On a MUCH lighter note...

Good Morning Everyone and Happy Friday! :)

The winner of my CSN $25 gift code giveaway is #12 (via random.org) Domestic Diva from Lovely Domestic Diva. I will be e-mailing you shortly.

Don't forget to enter my Purex Giveaway here. Who doesn't want a free FULL size bottle (28oz.) of awesome fabric softener! :) You'll love it! I promise!

I hope everyone has a great Friday and a wonderful weekend! It's supposed to be a nice weekend in our neck of the woods so I hope to get the kids outside and get lots of pictures. I haven't posted pictures in a few days and that is SO unlike me! :)

Hello

Happy Wednesday Everyone!

Wow, it's been a couple of days since I've posted anything meaningful and from the heart! :) But I do want to say a HUGE thank you to everyone for their encouragement on this post. It wasn't written for attention or to seek pity, it was just from the heart, so thank you for your encouragement! It's so weird how, even as adults, your insecurities come out in something as "simple" as blogging, and the concept of cliches and feeling left out can become prevalent!

In case we aren't friends on Facebook...I'm working from home again today because Mia has pneumonia! I swear, any time any sort of congestion/coughing/etc appears in Mia I'm SO quick to jump and take her to the doctors because of all of Manuel's respiratory issues (RSV, asthma, pneumonia SEVERAL times, etc.) but for whatever reason, I though this time, "Give it a few days. Lets see if it's just a cold..." Then last night Manny was holding her putting her to sleep and he said, "I don't think she's okay. I think it's more than just a cold." He made the decision to take her to Patient First (it was 8:30pm and obviously her pediatricians office wasn't open). FINALLY, around 11:30pm Manny called to tell me that after two chest x-rays it was determined she had pneumonia. Poor girl! :( I hope she's on the mend ASAP. I also hope and pray that she is NOT on the road to follow in her brothers footsteps in the respiratory department! Please pray for a quick recovery for my sweet girl!

Lastly, I have two giveaways going on right now, so be sure to enter...

My first one is for a $25 CSN gift code. Go here to enter. The giveaway ends tomorrow, March 10th at 11:59pm EST. So be sure to enter! :)

I'm also holding a Purex Crystals giveaway and FIVE winners will be chosen to receive a coupon for a full size 28oz bottle of Purex Complete Crystals Softener. As of right now only two people have entered (that's sort of sad! ;)) So enter that giveaway here.

Have a wonderful day! :)

Spring Blog Party

I've sort of reached a crossroads in my blogging. I LOVE blogging! It's a great way for me to document the lives of my children and family and hopefully one day my children will read it. BUT I'm starting to become too concerned with the "little things" (ie. if I post and don't get any comments, etc.). I've always been one of those people who care ENTIRELY too much about what others think of me. I am extremely self conscious and am always trying to make sure people like me (yes, even as an almost 30 year old wife and mother). It's just the way God made me! :) I've always been a big believer in treat others the way you want to be treated, so when I take the time out to say something kind, meaningful and from the heart to someone (in person or on someones blog) and they don't reciprocate, my feelings get hurt. Yes, I know, again I am an adult and it shouldn't matter, but I'm just being honest and it does! :) With that said, I'm taking a step back and TRYING not to concern myself with things that, in the grand scheme of life, do not matter. I will continue to post about my life, my children, my husband, a sporadic photo challenge, an occasional giveaway, etc. but the days of being overly concerned with "blogging numbers" (followers, comments, etc.) are over! :) Here's to turning over a new leaf :)

Now that is over :) ...I've decided to participate in a super fun blog hop over at Dancing Barefoot on Weathered Ground. Link up and join too! :)






A little about me: (well, you already know I care WAY too much about what people think of me! ;)) but other than that...My name is Christina. I am Sicilian (my mom was born in Sicily). I live with my husband, Manny and our two children Manuel (5) and Mia (1). My husband and I both work outside of the home. Manuel is in preschool and Mia is cared for by an AMAZING woman who is like family to us. Our time, when not working, is spent together just having fun and enjoying life! :) We attend church regularly and absolutely ADORE our church family. I teach Sunday school every week to two and three year olds. We are here, and still alive, because we were saved by God's grace. Trust me, if you take the time to read any of my blogs posts to see where my husband and I came from and where we are now, you would understand...only God can bring someone from the absolute grips of Satan to where we are today! :)

Now, on to some fun questions that Lynette posted....

How would people describe your personality? (If they could only use ONE word.) Are they right?
Kind. Not to toot my own horn ;) but yes! :)

What celebrity/celebrities would create a “Star-Struck” feeling if you saw them in real life?
I'm not really "into" celebrities. Don't get me wrong, I watch TV, movies, etc. but I've never been one to really care about celebrities and their lives. I think if I saw anyone famous (even if it was just a reality TV star! :) I'd be star struck and probably freeze up. I think that has happened when I've seen local news personalities out and about! :)

Who is your favorite blogger? Why?
Oh my, I'm not sure I could pick just ONE blogger. I have several mommy bloggers that I adore. I do read/follow a lot of the "big" bloggers, but I tend to relate more and connect with the moms/people who just write from the heart about their children, their lives, their adoptions (I love following adoption blogs. I find them SO amazing), etc.

What is your comfort food/drink?
I LOVE pizza and chocolate milk (not together! :))

Be brave – tell us something very random and weird about yourself.
Every time I drive over a bridge I look in my rear view mirror and picture it crumbling behind me and wondering if I could speed off the bridge fast enough, before the part I'm drive on collapses too. Yes, I realize this is a tad odd! :)

Do you have a strong desire to do something you’ve never done? What is it?
Yes, to take a missions trip to a foreign county

Movies: Action, Drama, Romantic Comedy, Documentary, Comedy? What are your favorite genres?
Actually, I hate movies. I watch them because my husband LOVES them, but I'm not a fan. I think it's because I hate being required to sit still for two hours (or so). I'm always thinking of a million and one other things I could/should be doing! :) But if I HAD to choose it would be romantic comedy.

Books: Fiction, Non-Fiction, Romance, Biographies, True Stories, Self-Help, Devotional/Study? What are your favorite types of reading material?
I seldom ever read (sad but true), other then childrens books.

Music: Funk, Rock, Country, Jazz, Classical, Film Score, Blues, Classic Rock, Crooner, Alternative, Heavy Metal, Techno? What are your favorite types?
I used to listen to a wide range of anything and everything...rap, country, classic rock, alternative, etc. Now I primarily listen to contemporary Christian, and country.

If you inherited a million dollars, what is the first thing you would do with your money?
Put money aside for Manuel and Mia to go to college, THEN buy a house!

Name one weakness of yours (confession is good for the soul).
Food. If it's unhealthy food, I probably love it! :)

If you could live anywhere at all (and take all your loved ones with you), where would you go?
I can't imagine living anywhere other than the East Coast, but somewhere in the Midwest or South might be fun.

Strange Talent? Can you juggle basketballs, put your legs behind your head or perform some other strange feat? Hmm, nothing that I can think of.

What’s something you consider yourself to be good at? (Don’t worry, it’s not bragging, it’s acknowledging a God given gift). Helping others. I know it's not a talent or gift, per se, but in my eyes it is! :)

What is one of your favorite things to catch a whiff of? the smell of cookies baking, YUM! :)

When you leave a social gathering, do you wish: You would have talked more or You would have talked less? I'd go with talk more. I'm usually very shy and quiet in a large group (unless I know you really well).

If money wasn’t a factor, what stores would you shop in? Not sure. I typically only shop in reasonably priced stores (Target, etc.)
What is your greatest fear or strange phobia? It's not strange, but my greatest fear is definitely something happening to one of my children. I read a lot of Caringbridge/Carepages about sick children and my heart literally aches. I can't even fathom it (and hope I never have to).

What is your greatest accomplishment? being a mommy! Cliche, I know, but from what I was in my early 20's to the mommy I am now, it's truly amazing!

What are your favorite animals? I'm not a big animal person (I know, don't hate me). I mean I like them, but I just would prefer to be a pet-less household :) (my husband, on the other hand, will make sure when we stop renting we have a dog, whether I like it or not! :))

Are you a hopeless romantic? No, I'm a realistic romantic :)

That was fun! Go visit Lynette and link-up! :)

Have a great weekend everyone!

Ramblings...

Okay, first things first...I'm an IDIOT! My double root canal was NOT this morning. I walked in to the dentist office and as soon as I went to sign in, and noticed that my dentists name was not on the sign in sheet for the day, I knew I had made a mistake. Sure enough I did. It's TOMORROW morning at 9am. UGH! Oh well, that's life. I'm slightly preoccupied, so it makes sense that I wasn't using my brain...

Layoffs are coming at my office and they are coming in full force. I work as a Pricing Analyst at a mortgage company. It's no secret that the mortgage industry has many highs and many lows. We are in a "low" time (as it always is after Christmas, before Spring) and that means it's time to let people go. Last year I was safe because I was on maternity leave. This year, I'm not so lucky. I am scared to death (That would be an understatement) and I just have to put it all in God's hands. The thing is that I'm not worried about how we will pay our bills, how will we put food on our table, etc. if I lose my job because God ALWAYS provides, but I'm just scared about starting over. Scared about having to start looking...here's the thing, I went to college but dropped out before getting a degree. I can promise you this, NO WHERE is going to pay me what I make at my current job, starting out. Plain and simple, it's not going to happen. No other job is going to give me the flexibility my current job offers such as working from home if the kids are sick, bringing Manuel to work if an issue arises, coming in late so I can be the one to take the kids to all their appointments (as long as I get my 40 hours in each week), etc. I'm scared. No way around it! One of my co-workers/friends (who's daughter goes to Linnie's (the lady who watches Mia), was laid off yesterday. She's a single mother of 4 children! (say a prayer for her please). It's starting and there's nothing to say that I won't be next. I've been here 4.5 years, but the girl I work with (who does the same exact thing I do, who's only been here 1.5 years) is single, no children, etc. She is MUCH more flexible with things then I am. That's an automatic "pro" to her and "con" to me! :( I'll keep everyone posted.

Sorry to be "Debbie Downer" but sometimes life just has a way of smacking you in the face when things are going SO well (as they have been). But again, I have to give it to God. God is good all the time, all the time God is good. I have to remember to praise him in the happiness and praise him in the storms. I need to remind myself of this! It's SO easy to say when you AREN'T going through trying times, it's much harder to say and BELIEVE when you are struggling. But I'm trying! :)

Have a great day everyone! :)