Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Pour Your Heart Out: My view




As I'm sitting at my kitchen table, working from home, I started to think about some things and as tears stream down my cheek, I thought, "Hmmm, it's been a while since I've posted anything of "substance" on my blog, maybe this should be a blog post..OH WAIT, it's Wednesday, not only will it be a blog post, but it's been a LONG time since I've linked up for Pour Your Heart Out, so maybe I'll do that too" and here we are! My apologies in advance for the length of this post and if it's all over the place.

A quick recap for those of you who might be visiting from Things I Can't Say...back on September 10th, 2013 I gave birth to our 3rd child, a beautiful baby girl (we didn't know she was a girl until d-day :)), Maci Louise. She was born via c-section, and I enjoyed 8 weeks of maternity leave with her, my super sweet (and sassy! ;)) almost 4 year old Mia, and their older brother Manuel (who spends his days in 2nd grade). The "extra" time that I've had with all 3 of my children has been priceless and I was able to do things that I wouldn't have been able to do, had I not been on maternity leave. However, my husband and I also just bought our first house in June, and being off of work for more than 8 weeks (unpaid), was out of the question! So, beginning November 4th, I started back to work, from home. I work in the mortgage business and things have slowed quite a bit, so juggling work and both girls (Maci is quite the colicky baby!) hasn't been an issue at all. It's actually been more manageable than I thought it would and I wish nothing more than to be able to continue to work from home and stay with my girls, but I don't have that option. I will be returning to work on December 2nd, still working from home on Wednesdays and then back in the office full time starting in January. And here's where we start today's post...

My view for the last 9.5 weeks has been this...
She LOVES to be worn in the Ergo :)
And in a short 12 days, my view is going to be very different! :( The tears continue to stream as I write those words and see her sweet little face...leaving your babies is the hardest! I've done it two times before (but with Manuel and Mia I went back in the office, full time, after only 8 weeks) but it doesn't get easier. I know the initial drop off is going to break.my.heart and I'll cry (and I'm an "ugly" crier...hysterical, hyperventilating, puffy eyed, crier...so I should look GORGEOUS when I get to work that day! ;)) BUT she'll be at "the sitters" with Mia, being loved as close to how much I would love her, by Linnie the most amazing lady on the planet who watched Manuel from the time he was 8 months old to when he started preschool at 4. She's watched Mia from the time she was 8 weeks old  and will continue to watch her until she starts preschool, and now it's Maci's turn to be loved by Linnie. There is only one Linnie, and we are SO lucky to have Linnie (I can't imagine how much harder this would all be if she wasn't going to Linnie's) but the fact still remains that my heart is sad and my view will be very different come December! As my literal view changes though, I need to be reminded that my mental view needs to change as well...

You see, Monday, a friend of mine whose husband is battling rectal cancer, learned that her husbands cancer has spread to his lymph nodes. He has to go on unpaid leave from his job (he's an elementary school music teacher) He starts a new chemo today and my heart aches again."M" lost her best friend to cancer back in 1996 and now her husband is battling the cancer monster...the pain must be unimaginable! The fear that she must live with everyday, worrying that her young husband (he's in his mid-30's, as is she) will leave her and their two beautiful children too soon...again unimaginable. So I sit here and dread my leave being up, and having to return to work and leave my babies for 8 hours, but I need to look at this way...I'm healthy, my husband is healthy, my children are healthy, I'm lucky to have a job, it's "only" for 8 hours...that "heartache" that I feel is NOTHING compared to what some people are going through. In fact, it's not really "heartache" at all...yes, it's sad, yes I'll shed some tears, but when I change my "view" of the situation and put it in perspective I should be thankful that I have a job to return, to have someone who will love my girls as their own, that, God willing, my husband, children and I will have years and years to spend together when others won't have that chance and the list goes on and on.

Life is all about perspective and sometimes you just need to change your view (even if you don't want to!)...

3 comments:

Shell said...

Your little one is such a doll!

I'm sorry to hear about your friend's husband. Things like that help us all keep things in perspective.

Jackie said...

I can't imagine how hard it'll be to go back :( ...but youre so right about perspective. After Jared's dad passed away last month, I've had a much easier time letting the "little" stuff go.

Jackie said...

..oh and enjoy these next few weeks at home :)