Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Pour Your Heart Out: Should I?

Hello friends! This is post is pretty much all over the place, so feel free to come back tomorrow for fun birthday party pictures! :) Please say a prayer for me (not just for this post, because at the end, it'll be evident I need prayer ;)) but because the minor concerns my Primary Care doctor seemed to have about my MRI don't seem so minor now...my gyn who JUST now got a copy of the scans (my PCP never faxed them like she said she was going to!) wants to see me tomorrow! I pray it's nothing! But without further ado...



It's been awhile since I've linked up with Shell to Pour Your Heart Out and goodness knows I need it, so here goes nothing...

Oh, and if you are stopping by for the first time from Shell's blog, I ask you to PLEASE refrain from thinking I'm a total nutso based off of this post! ;) Look around at my other posts to get a peek into my totally normal life! ;)

As I mentioned in a post last week, I have been S-T-R-U-G-G-L-I-N-G lately, big time! And to the outsider, the random Facebook friend, heck, even the close friend, it might seem like I have it all together, and I'm being honest here friends, I don't. And not in the "I'm a full time working outside of the home, momma-to-two, wife, just trying to keep it all together" sort of way. I mean, I always come across so positive, it's just my nature...I'm always sharing bits of inspiration with people, praying for people (some, I don't even know in real life and will never meet), and just being upbeat and "that person" that so many can turn to for a smile, a word of inspiration to put a happy spin on a tough time in their life, etc. (you get the point! :)) but inside, inside this head of mine, it is the exact opposite...I am in a constant state of worry (I wouldn't go as far as to say panic, but definitely worry). I am in a constant state of "what if". I'm not a mental health professional (CLEARLY! ;)) but I'd venture to say that thinking about your children passing away, several times a week, and how would you EVER get through that, how does a parent ever survive something so horrific, etc. IS NOT NORMAL! And this is ALL THE TIME! Hubby knows about, and he suggests that I stop following/reading so many stories about sick children, children who have lost their lives, etc. and he's probably right (Not that he is being heartless, my husband has a HUGE heart, but for someone like me, he just thinks its too much on my heart and mind, every single day!). That can't be helping the situation, and I understand that, BUT I can't! These parents needs support, these children needs prayers, and me being me, want to "help" in anyway I can. I can't turn away, even when I don't know them! And although that may seem strange, it does help me have a very "real" perspective on life...I am not "too good" of a person to be exempt from pain, heartache, struggle and trials in life that you feel like you could never get through. There is no such thing as, "That (whatever "that" is) can't happen to my family because we've already experienced enough sadness in our lives." When you read of a family who lost their son 4 months ago, and then a few days ago the husband/father dies...that is reality, sad, true, harsh reality of life. We aren't exempt from pain, and there is no such thing as "too much heartache for one family/person". Now, if all of this insight led me to focus on just being the most amazing wife and mother I can be, each and every day, and not take one second for granted, then wonderful, that would be awesome. But unfortunately that's not the case...I just dwell on it all, often.

Struggle, struggle, struggle...

It's all around me! From my blog friends who I adore to one of my best friends, in the entire world. just came clean to being addicted to prescription medicine. And please understand, this is not some random person, struggling through life with no goals, no aspirations, etc. This is someone with a VERY lucrative career (one of the most established careers you can find in the world!), a beautiful family, loving spouse, gorgeous home, had it together more than ANYONE I KNOW, and just like that, addiction creeps in and begins to ruin their life (I say "begins" because they have admitted it early on and are seeking help). Then it makes me think, it can happen to them, so it can certainly send Manny back to what he was (instead of just living and celebrating the last, almost, 3 years of sobriety!)

It's a vicious cycle in my head...

So, what does the title of my post have to do with all of this "Should I?" at what point do I say that all of this internalizing is too much, it's not normal, I worry FAR too much, and perhaps I should seek help and/or medication? But see heres the thing...I HATE being medicated! I've had two c-sections (and for those of you who've had one, you know how painful the healing can be) but yet I refused to take pain medicine until the pain would be so severe I could barely move..why? Because I hate feeling anything but 100% like myself! (yes, I used to use drugs, but that was all pre-children! Ever since having children I would NEVER EVER use a drug recreationally!) I had laparscopic surgery and again, refused to bring home any pain medication because I didn't want to have "that feeling"! And yes, I understand that prescription pain medicine and anxiety medicine are two different classes, but still, I'm scared to start on something (Lexapro, Zoloft, etc.) and then be a walking zombie who shows no emotion. Where's the balance?!?!? Ugh! I need to do something because the current way my brain is living is not healthy. Do I just keep doing what I'm doing and prove to myself  I can overcome it without medication? Am I not seeking further help because I'm ashamed? I know I'm not depressed, NOT AT ALL, but anxiety problems, as hard as it is to admit it, yes. And I understand that no one can answer these questions but me!
So friends, where am I going with this???? I don't even know, but thank you for listening/reading and letting me pour out my heart! :)

1 comment:

Shell said...

That's a hard decision. But remember that you can try different meds til you find one that helps but still lets you feel like you! xo