Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Pour Your Heart Out: Me, honestly

It's so easy to get caught up in the "rainbows and sunshine" world of blogging (aka every blog post I write is going to be about how amazing my children are, how fantastic my husband is, and pictures of us enjoying life and being happy ALL.THE.TIME!) Well, I don't know about you, but that's not my reality (even though I'm guilty of keeping my blog pretty "happy" most of the time! :) and not showing the bad, right along with the good. I like when other bloggers "get real" and talk about their reality that might not be positive, might be embarrassing, might get judgemental comments but is real nonetheless.

This post is probably going to be all over the place, but I'm just writing my feelings with the hope that writing it out will hold me accountable to work on changing myself, and maybe, just maybe, someone else will be able to relate.

I fail at motherhood and being a wife, often. Everyday in my world is not happy, smiley, God praising, wonderful, well, you get the point! Do you ever have those days where you think, "Wow, I'm really not cut out to be a parent!?!??!?!!" If I'm being honest, I do! And it probably happens more often then I'd like to think/admit. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my children! They are my world! They smile, I smile. They hurt, I hurt. But really, sometimes I fail them...I have NO patience (and I'm not being dramatic here. I flip out over the smallest things). THEY ARE CHILDREN! They are going to whine. They are going to throw tantrums. They are kids. But why does it drive me SO insane!??!!? Why do I lose my cool so easily with them? (now please understand, when I say "lose my cool" I do NOT mean hit them, degrade them, etc. when I say "lose my cool" I mean get frustrated/angry/stressed about the smallest things!!!) Patience is a virtue and clearly not one I possess. But honestly, to be a mother, you need patience and lots of it. Where did mine go? UGH!!!!

And what's the point of all of this ramble...I read so many stories (on a daily basis) of parents who've lost their children, or children who are terminally ill fighting for their lives, or people who can't have children, or people who have had failed adoptions, and the list goes on and on, and here I am, with two beautiful, healthy, amazing, wonderful children who any of these parents would give their left arm for, and I take it for granted. Manuel or Mia could be taken from me in an instant (we do not know when we will be called Home) and here I am wasting my precious time with them, being frustrated about putting our sofa pillows on the floor, or whining for dinner the second we walk in the door or throwing their water bottle on the floor and getting water everywhere!  ITS WHAT KIDS DO!!!!! I just wish I could stop! I wish I could be a mom who lets their children play in the dirt, play with flour and get it all over the kitchen for fun, finds the "silver lining" in their children coloring on the wall (although that IS something my children have never done! ;)) You're out there! You "perfect" moms are out there. I read your blogs! Now why can't I be like you!??!?!?! Monday-Friday I work outside of the home, so the time I spend with my children is very minimal (sadly) so why am I not making the best of it!??!?!?! I know that none of you can answer these questions, but again, hopefully writing it out will hold me accountable and make me realize that I need to work on myself!

And sadly, it's not just my children...How come I don't realize how blessed I am to have the husband I do!? Yes, he's put me through a lot, but that was 2+ years ago, and I've forgiven him, so there is no reason for me to treat him poorly! He loves me more than words could ever show! He is an amazing father! But yet, I lose my patience with him because he doesn't buy me the right razors at the grocery store (yes, he does all the grocery shopping!) Or he accidentally buys 2% milk instead of 1%. What is wrong with me!??!?!?! How come when our blessings are right in front of our faces we don't even realize it!?!?!

I've had this post on my heart for days now, so there is a reason I needed to write it. I've definitely just poured my heart out. Please don't judge, I'm only human! :) I promise I'm not always angry, but sometimes I just need a reality check about how good I do have it!


dottie said...

Hey Girl!!!

We ALL have these moments. Believe me. Some people just chose to put on the happy face and never let on.
I feel the same way too at times, your normal. Parenting is hands down the hardest job. So much pressure which in turn creates frustration, which I then take out on my Husband. Poor guy. LOL.

Point is, everyone feels like this one time or another. It's good to get it off your chest. Your not the only crazy Mom with zero patience.

Have a good day!!!

Shell said...

I tend to get caught up in the small things that annoy me and forget about the bigger picture.

I think that's normal, though. Plus, it helps to vent! said...

ok listen. we ALL go through these very things, think these very things. i PROMISE you're not alone. i'm not perfect by any shape of the imagination, but i've done a pretty darn good job (if i do say so myself- ha) of learning to let go of a lot of the things that really and truly are pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things (water spilling). but it wasn't easy. and it took me years and years and YEARS (i'll be 39 next month- shhh). something that really helped me get there?? i read up on Anger Management. :) seriously a true story! i ordered an Anger Management workbook from amazon and read it and tried to follow some steps. it was immensely helpful in opening my eyes up. it's worth a shot, no? (and btw, i have a pretty angelic 19mo- come back to my blog in five years when she does more stuff to test my sanity!)

::HUGE HUGS:: you're gonna get through all of this. and you have NOT EVER ONCE failed at motherhood because you love those kids and protect them and feed them, etc. they are your life- no failing at that!!

Jackie said...

You are a great mom, Christina, and trying to be better makes you even greater! Mommyhood is the toughest job on earth, and - trust me - we all feel like we are failing sometimes. Mia and Manuel are so lucky to have you.

Kayla said...

I am sure first of all that you are a great mom and wife only because you can admit hen you have a problem. The problem is control, you must have it! I know I do! I feel the exact same way that you do about my baby and hubby. I have also been thinking about going to a therapist for some inspiration. Not for how I can help my family but I need to find out how to be a better me. I want you to know you are not alone.

trooppetrie said...

I think we need to be real with one another so we all feel normal more often

glitnir76 said...

There are no perfect parents. What you read on blogs is only what people want to present to you and is often a very censored, crafted version of themselves.

We all fail often, but recognizing that we do and striving to do better is what really matters.

Good luck!

Grumpy Grateful Mom said...

I could have written this post! I feel guilty all the time for not being the best mom and wife, especially when I know I could do better. But, I think most of us go through that. And I also think as women be tend to compare our worst to another woman's best!

You are an amazing mom. While you might feel frustrated, I can tell you love and try to do what's best for your kids and that they know you love them.

I'm trying to learn to be OK with being good enough, though I know I need to do better. Luckily, each day I get a new chance.

Jen said...

Oh yes, you are definitely NOT alone!! Like Shell said, it helps to get it out somehow! A lot of my posts aren't "happy" all the time, but the support I get from others REALLY help!! Hang in there, girl :)